Bipolar Infidelity
Posted in Mania on 16. Dec, 2009
I found this conversation between Stephen and Joe posted on another site and leveraged it. Have a read and see what you think. Whose approach is best? What point of view would you adopt?
Stephen says -
I’ve been married for 19 years to a woman who was diagnosed as BP 8 years ago. To say that we’ve been through a lot is an understatement. Hypersexuality, mania and the resultant infidelity are things that we’ve had to deal with several times.
There are times when people with BP simply cannot exercise good judgment. Any competent care provider will tell you this. People with BP WILL do things that affect their families. That’s just part of being related to them. Although its really impossible to separate the illness driven behaviors from their personality, spouses and other family members need to understand that BPD changes the way people, think, feel and act. Allowances must be made. Not to do so is unfair because it holds people to unrealistic standards and disappointment becomes the inevitable outcome.
It is very hard to know that your spouse has sex with other people, becomes infatuated with other people, and can even turn against the people that love them most.For many people, these are unbearable behaviors. However, the reason they are unbearable is that they conflict so strongly with expectations. So you have two choices: moderate the behaviors and/or moderate the expectations.
It has taken years for us to come to grips with the fact my wife has BP. Fortunately, my wife is really good about taking her meds and seeking therapy. Even so, she has the occasional bout with mania so, for example, we now have an 11 month old girl by another man.
I could get all upset about that, demand a divorce, etc. But the truth is, I love my little girl and I still love my wife.
Joe says in response -
Stephen–
I think you must be more tolerant than the rest of us mere mortals, because I’m not sure I would put up with quite so much. You mention two choices: moderate the behaviors and/or moderate the expectations.
First, “moderate the behaviors” can mean all sorts of things from the person with bipolar willingly taking her medications and putting an honest effort into maintaining mood stability to forced commitment. Too much tolerance, I believe, can lead a loved one to inaction, which can actually be harmful to the person with bipolar, not to mention yourself and everyone else involved.
I would question whether too much tolerance would be beneficial to the person with bipolar. If the person has no limits, faces no consequences for destructive behaviors, she has license to do anything. This is not good for her or her loved ones.
From my experience, a certain amount of tough love is required.
Oh yeah, my second point is that there’s a third option – leave. I’m not advising anyone to take this step lightly, but if the person with bipolar is doing nothing to help herself (or himself), I couldn’t fault anyone for taking this choice.
To read the entire article go to Dr. Candida Fink’s Bipolar Blog Information and Support site.
I’m with Joe. NO way would I put up with what Stephen is putting up with. No Way. See you on the BPS forum. Like your blog.
I think Stephen’s wife is very lucky. He is very understanding and devoted and willing to work through the manic periods
Interesting. Having been involved in several manic episodes that have involved hypersexual behaviour, I’d have to say that both Steve and Joe combined would be the best approach for me.
This is a tough topic to deal with. Its drawn alot of attention on the blog and several people have written harsh comments that I’m not comfortable posting. Please remember that people with Bipolar Disorder are not able to judge their behaviors when in the throws of a severe manic episode. And we are not lazy or immoral, nor do we use our disorder to justify or excuse bad behavior.
Mania & hypersexuality are real, but I don’t know how to handle either. It’s not something that I can control easily. Take my meds and watch for triggers is what I do. Sometimes it works.
Being a surviving husband of a similar but less severe story to that of Stephen’s, I’d have to say that (like me) Stephen has a codependency problem. Look it up on any psych web site, Stephen. I’ll bet ya a $100 that you fit the bill to a T! Read Dr. Dobson’s book, “Love Must Be Tough.” I forgave my wife and we are giving it a real deal attempt to save our marriage and family. We have 4 kids and she is the love of my life but for the last 8 to 10 years, she was obsessed with another life with her old highscholl boyfriend that she stalked and wanted to have an affair with. She frequented internet sex hook-up sites and almost had an affair with a stranger. She had cyber sex with another bipolar man and ended up leaving me and our 4 kids to have an affair with him and start a new fantasy life. Believe me, this guy is nobody to be jealous of but my wife obsessed over him and had several sexual encounters with him and at least one other guy while she was gone for 4 and a half months in another state. Following two hospitalizations for mania, it took months of meds and counseling before she became stable and now she can’t believe she did any of this. I have to say that we have been together for 20 years and what she did was insane and totally inconsistent with her real self.. She is educated and intelligent but this disorder does not care. I can tell you for a fact that I do not intend to but up with infidelity or obsessions that would lead to infidelity ever again. I could not stand that kind of pain again. It sounds like Stephen would.
Hi Nick,
Thanks for sharing your experience and your philosophy. Your approach sounds like it combines both Joe and Stephen’s. You have empathy but you won’t allow yourself to be hurt again. I think that’s a fair and humane approach. I wish you and your wife all the best.
Sincerely,
Luann
A year and 8 months later after I postrf this, my wife has been veruy well and is more willing to try to prevent mania before it happens. Last August, she got manic and it was close to doing something terrible again. Family intervention worked after they noticed all of the historical signs and that she wanted to quit medication. She was able to overcome and our marriage is stronger today. This summer, she recognized that mania had happened 4 summers in a row and she asked her doctor to inrease her medication during these high risk months. It worked. I am so proud of her. Mental health reqires freedom of choice and she is making great choices these days.
I am bipolar and have been diagnosed for 10 years, and have been on medication constantly since I was diagnosed. Before I was diagnosed I did have episodes of hypersexuality which were totally uncharacteristic of my normal behavior. I got married to my husband 8 years ago and since then I have had a few episodes where I have become obsessed with another guy. For me there is an original thought that might spur the obsession, like, “I bet so and so would understand me better or know how to love me better”, but then the thoughts can become so intrusive that it is almost impossible to get them out of your head. Any random sign can be interpreted as a confirmation that these obsessive thoughts are true and valid. I can tell you I truly love my husband and I work so hard to keep these annoying thoughts out of my head and I still can’t. When the thoughts enter my head I try to push them out as soon as I can. The hardest part is trying to not act on them when it would be so easy to.
I begged my husband to take away my access to the money, that way I HAVE to talk to him about any major purchases. I don’t have access to more than about 40 or so free spending money at a time. It’s limiting, but so much better than all the guilt after making compulsive purchases. It’s a struggle each day, and that is on medication.
It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to control the bipolar hypersexuality problems and the resulting chaos and pain that it causes you and others in your life. I wonder if perhaps a medication adjustment would provide more control of the intrusive thoughts?
I’m glad you have a supportive and understanding husband. Mine is really helpful and tries to point out when I seem to be behaving in ways that are out of character for me. Good to get it early if possible.
Many bipolar people don’t want to be described as hypersexual or obsessed with having affairs. They find it offensive to be stereotyped. However, just look up the topic on any internet search and you will find scores or stories that are so similar. I don’t know how different it is for the sexes but Kay Jamison PHD says that research indicates that bipolar hypersexuality seems to be a bigger part of womens’ mania. My wife has had Jekyll and Hyde like behavior over the last decade. I don’t even know her during mania. The loving wife and mother becomes a lying, unloving, selfish, discontent, irritable and hypersexual woman that is capable of child abandonment, stalking a potential lover, multiple infidelities, stealing, manipulation and obsession with finding a new life and new love. Her type of mania has lead her to depravity that I can’t really describe.
This harsh description of her mania is actually very kind. What would drive a woman tha loves her husband and kids so much when she is well to do some of the things she has done? I don’t know if it is simply because bioplar type 1 is much more severe than type 2 but my wife’s transformation is startling. She has been so determined to confront and beat mania for the last two years. Before that, she longed for the high during the first year of treatment. She was just going through the motions. The longer she has been on meds and in therapy, the more healing and restoration has taken place. She is such a beautiful person again and doesn’t want to lose herself ever again. She is blessed to have such a great therapist that can describe the dark half of mania and it’s horrible consequences. Some of the stories I read are even more heartbreaking than mine. Be patient and keep praying for miracles. God has answerd our prayers and he is a God of miracles.
Nick, You write “She is blessed to have such a great therapist that can describe the dark half of mania and it’s horrible consequences.” I’d have to say that she is blessed to have you for her husband. Thank you for your inspiring comment.